yamanai ame da neeee

a list.
Saturday, January 16, 2010

i thought up of a list of things i wanna do this year!!!!

1. Become fit! (in order to...)
2. Conquer Kinabalu and BCL
3. Save up for all the overseas trips i've been dreaming about.
4. Keep reading
5. Grow my library
6. Pick up guitar proper
7. Buy a guitar
8. Finish the horse i've been drawing since ages ago.
9. LOSE WEIGHT! (ok number 1 shld aid in this one... but i cringe at how this never fails to get on the list every year :/)

and btw, i do realise how alot on the list goes against number 3. but, what to do? (quoting Webster, yes 'what to do?' appeared in duchess. hahaha)
ok lunch time. bye!

3:10 PM

Thursday, January 07, 2010

i really appreciate spending time alone at home.
wake up when i want.. cook lunch (and wash the plates when i feel like it haha).. laze around.. read.. go running........
no no, appreciate is an understatement. i love it alot alot alot.
am i being selfish by wanting to spend time with myself ):
this hols, for 1mth++, chances of staying home alone has been soooooo slim.
simply because i can't bring myself to tell my mum, that i just want to stay at home for a day, ok? can i? can you allow me that small amount of time for myself?
because if i've nothing to do for the day, i have to go to the market with my grandma in the morning, accompany my ma to the hospital in the afternoon (which effectively takes away my whole day), go visit at night or just spend time with my grandma at her house.. in general, i'm not supposed to be free at all.
i really don't mind doing it. really. but i just need a day? give me a day?
but no its too late now. school's starting on monday.

i keep thinking, why am i the only one who's doing all these things? are all my other cousins dead?! why can't the people with the car do the travelling?
why this why that... omg i feel like such a bitch for asking these questions.. what right do i have to doubt my relatives like that? i know they have their own lives to lead.
but, i just feel so so so sad. to go to the market in the morning and see my grandma SO happy to see me coming to bring her home. she's told all her friends that her granddaughter is coming to fetch her. i know she's sick of the maid, and she wants to see someone she actually cares about. and for that i will do it over and over for her. if they know how she feels i think they would too.. but they would never know. because my grandma, being my grandma, would never ask for anything. she never wants to trouble anyone... i feel like telling her, its ok to ask. ah po, its really ok? i spent half my life up till now demanding all sorts of things from you.. its your turn now.

hai...........
sometimes when friends ask me to go out i feel so........ ugh. i dont wanna go out...
i'm sorry. i know i'm being unfair. its not you guys, its me.
too much time with other people has been wearing me out and i can feel myself fraying at both ends, physically, mentally.. haiiiiiii
i'm just tired.
)':

12:41 AM